I got this brilliant “I’m going on vacation” email from a good friend of mine the other day, and I thought I’d share:
Hi to all of you—especially those of you who are reading this message a second or third time,
Just to let you know that I (and my beloved) are running away for a month starting July 3. Don’t telephone, email or use carrier pigeons, smoke signals, drum beats crystal-ball gazing, or attempt telepathically, illicit medication, astral projection or via any other means known to or imagined by humankind to contact me. . . BECAUSE IT WON’T WORK.
On the other hand, I want to assure you that I am here for all of you, no matter what.
As long as I get to determine what the “no matter what” is.
And, trust me, there isn’t much that matters.
I really love you all. Really!
And to those who got several copies of this, sorry. . .kind of. It was just too much work to go through all the names in the BCC thingy and delete. However, you are important to me. Just, apparently, not important enough to go through all the names in the BCC thingy and delete.
I know: A simple “I’m out of the office” would have been sufficient, but, you know me. Why use five words when 50 will do, eh?
Further, I know that it is incredibly arrogant of me to assume that you care whether or not I am around to send or receive emails, but then, it (meaning everything) REALLY IS ALL ABOUT ME.
Back online August 4 or thereabouts (or, if you want to contact me before Monday, July 3, I’m still ready to listen, to empathize, maybe even reply before dropping everything and everyone like toxic waste).
I hope somebody is kind and thoughtful enough out there to explain all of this to those who don’t know me very well or don’t know English very well. Yes, I’m talking about you. . .because it is not always and all about me. Sometimes it is about you. . .about you in relationship to me.
My beloved would be absolutely and utterly embarrassed to read this—which is why I will be deleting my “send” box in about 38 seconds. However, she is not responsible for any of this in any way.
Peace to everyone and everything everywhere and everywhen,
[name deleted], Dad, Pastor, Friend, and all-round really nice guy
Indeed. Why use five words when fifty will do?