I’m on a roll with the quiz thing. The Age has a monthly glossy magazine called (imaginatively enough) The Age (melbourne) Magazine, and at the back, they interview some local quasi-celebrity using largely the same questions. I’m going to pretend I’m a famous Melburnian and answer them here. Melbn people, feel free to grab and repeat.

1. My first memory of Melbourne is
   I’d just left Hobart, it was really bloody hot, and the plane was landing into Tullamarine (one of the most euphoniously-named named airports in the world, along with “Tagel” in Berlin and “Charles de Gaulle” – say it with a French accent – in Paris). I looked out the window and saw only flat browny yellow ground. Where’s the city? I couldn’t see it anywhere.
2. What would you put on a Melbourne postcard?
   The Sydney Opera House. It would be a pretty good joke for overseas vistors.
3. What do you always show to overseas visitors?
   The Sydney Opera House. No, I’m joking. Depending on what they like, I usually find some little restaurant. I also like taking people up to the Dandenongs to feed the cockatoos.
4. Where do you get your coffee?
   I don’t drink coffee. Maybe that’s why I don’t fit in around here.
5. What’s the worst thing you can say to a Melburnian?
   “Sydney’s pretter,” without following it up with some qualifying statement about it being more expensive, the people being not-as-nice, or how horrid their western suburbs are.
6. Melbourne’s most underrated suburb is
   Balaclava. Great restaurants and shops. Second place tie: Ripponlea, Windsor and Elsternwick. North? Where’s that?
7. Best meal I’ve had in Melbourne
   Circa, The Prince. A few years ago, when Andrew McConnell was still there. I still remember the smoked eel carpaccio, decorated with tiny nuggets of fruit and edible flowers. I love Andrew’s work – it’s inventive, tasty and playful. Second place is a tie between his Three, One, Two, and a lovely wild boar stew at Café Di Stasio.
8. Worst meal I’ve had in Melbourne
   I try not to remember them, but there have been a few. Vue de Monde is a contender here, as is 100 Mile Café (sorry, Paul).
9. Melbourne’s streets are paved with
   Old Melways.
10. What’s over-rated about Melbourne?
    Itself. Melbourne, generally, is far too up itself. Get over yourselves, stop trying to prove you’re “more worldly” than Sydney. It’s an inferiority complex, and it’s annoying and unbecoming.
11. If I didn’t live in Melbourne, I’d live in…
    Maybe Perth. I’m investigating the possibility. Maybe the middle east (and I don’t mean Knox), or even a small villa in Spain.
12. Which Melbourne person would you most like to sit next to on the tram?
    Aside from the people I’ve mentioned in this entry already, I can’t really think of one person over anyone else. Julia Zemiro would be cool, but then again, Dame Edna or Dave Hughes (really) would be interesting too. Problem is, we wouldn’t be allowed to speak. Strangers are not allowed to speak with each other on public transport. So maybe I’d just pick someone cute I could perve on all the way home.
13. Which Melbourne person would you least like to sit next to on the tram?
    Dave Hughes. He might try to talk, and his voice makes my hair stand on end. But he seems like an interesting guy, so I’m torn.
14. Who should be Lord Mayor of Melbourne?
    Me. No, actually that would be horrible, I’d try to pass all kinds of insane laws. But at least I’d probably manage to make smelly people illegal on trams.
15. What do you actually do all day at your job?
    Think about things. Sit and type at my laptop. Push bits around from place to place. Look at the pretty fish screen saver to my left.
16. What makes someone a Melburnian?
    A residential address with a postcode in the low 3000s.
17. Describe Melbourne in three words.
    Defined by comparison.