I’ve always wanted to be in a band, and since I can’t sing or play an instrument, it’s gotta be a punk band. One of those endless email forwards ended up in my inbox today, and it details exactly how t make your own band, and release your first album. Very cool, and much quicker to read than The Manual.

1. Random Wikipedia page The first article title on the page is the name of your band.
2. Random quotations page The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.
3. Interesting photos on Flickr The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Therefore, my band is called Sződliget (I can’t even pronounce that!), our first album is called Is to enjoy it, and here’s our cover art:

Polar Bear

www.flickr.com

By the sounds of it, we’re some kind of Nordic heavy metal outfit. Keep an eye out, we’ll be opening for Lordi soon.

What’s your band name?

1. What do you do for a living?

From 9-5, Monday to Friday, I am IT & Systems Manager for a marketing company located in Melbourne. If it’s got buttons or wires, it’s my problem. I’m in the middle of moving the organisation away from reliance on Microsoft products, and making our systems more open and accessible by our clients.

At all other times, I work on making websites. I’m working on one right now for an independent record company based in Vancouver. It’s going to be the best record company site ever, and very simple to administer. It’s nearly finished!

2. What do you like most about your job?

It’s challenging. I’m doing interesting work, and I can do pretty much what I think is a good idea. I’m a department of one right now.

3. What do you like least about your job?

There’s not enough time in a day to do everything I want to do. Also, there’s a Linux server that’s been giving me the shits lately. Serves me right for not using FreeBSD.

4. When you have a bad day at work it’s usually because

People expect something that takes a week to do, to be done in 1 day.

5. What other career(s) are you interested in?

Designer, studio technician, restauranteur, talk show host. Yeah. Not writer anymore.

1. ...owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?

I’ve actually thought about this before, and I think I’d serve a combination of multi-ethnic “comfort food” (everything from bangers and mash to ph� to congee to butter chicken…) to odd, interesting and unusual food combinations (like my honey salmon, lemonade chicken)...

Another (somewhat sillier) idea I had was the random restaurant. People would come in, they’d be directed to a random table. They’d all be handed random menus, stolen from other restaurants. They’d make their orders, and the orders would be handed to the chef, who might or might not make them. Once the food is ready, it would be delivered to a random table. At the end of the evening, everyone would receive a random bill.

2. ...owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?

When department stores began, product brand names weren’t very strong, and the public needed someone to trust. Thus, names like Grace Brothers and Myer (in Australia), Timothy Eaton and Woodward’s (in Canada), Sears-Roebuck (in the USA) became popular. They stood behind the products they sold, often offering guarantees that the public would believe in. “Go to Eaton’s,” they would say, “he sells good stuff.”

That kind of faith in a store rather than a product isn’t around much anymore. I’d want to try to change that. I’d only stock the good stuff. If it’s crap, it wouldn’t be in my store. I’d do research and stock a half dozen really good DVD players, from whatever manufacturer, buy apples from an organic farmer in Tasmania (or my friend Bill in the Okanagan). That kind of thing.

3. ...wrote a book, what genre would it be?

I’ve co-written a book. It was non-fiction, about QuickTime. I started writing a sequel, all by myself, but I’ve been far too busy to devote enough time to finishing it, so my publisher was kind enough to release me from the contract a few months ago. If I every try again, it will be some kind of funny crime fiction or sci-fi (think Douglas Adams – RIP or Carl Hiaasen crossed with Douglas Coupland or Kurt Vonnegut but probably something completely different).

4. ...ran a school, what would you teach?

I don’t think I’d trust myself to actually teach anything, except for a healthy disregard for convention. I’d be a terrible nuisance, running from classroom to classroom (or around the fields outside, for if it’s a nice day, I’d insist everyone go outside and take class there in the sunshine) talking back to the teachers, getting the students to question everything, reminding them never to forget to ask “why”. Upon graduation, I’d tell everyone to piss off to the other side of the world for a while, and get a real education before going to any kind of post-secondary education. I’d assign Dr Seuss books to the 12th year kids, and make sure everyone knew how to cook a salmon. I’d get them into the habit of reading the news (on paper, or on screen, I don’t care) and paying attention to the sources. I’d randomly send everyone home because it’s too nice a day to have to do anything in particular, and generally have a kick-ass time doing it all. Parents would hate me.

5. ...recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?

It would be highly unusual. I can play the table (that’s table not tabla) and that’s about it. I can sing. Sorta. I know it won’t be like anything anyone’s ever heard before. Picture Einst�rzende Neubauten covering 80s classics in the style of Irish drinking songs, and you’re probably thinking in the right direction.

1. What was the last song you heard?

Right now, I’m listening to a set by DJ Z-Trip (Live in Los Angeles), and the last recognisable song was Oh Lord, Won’t You Buy Me A Mercedes-Benz. He’s a great party DJ, he picks great stuff, and gives out a lot of energy.

2. What were the last two movies you saw?

I saw bits and pieces of Shanghai Knights this weekend. It’s okay, silly and funny as expected. Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson are a good comedy duo.

Before that? I don’t remember. When I was in Vancouver, I used to watch several films a week, but I’ve really fallen off since getting to Melbn. There’s been nothing for a few weeks now.

3. What were the last three things you purchased?

I bought a Western Digital 200gb IDE hard drive this weekend – this is to replace the IBM 120gb drive that’s full of music. The 120 will be moved to storing video, and the 80gb I used to have for video will kinda hang around a while until I buy an external case for it. I’m surprised the 80gb has lasted as long as it has, since it’s a Maxtor, and I’ve never been happy with the quality I’ve been getting from them. Three hard drives have died on me in my life, and all three have been Maxtors.

I also bought some chicken and brie for dinner on Saturday. Chicken breast has a kind of floppy bit – cut a slice of brie (skin on) and shove it into the v-shaped bit of the chicken breast. Cover and bake for a while at medium heat. You might want to drizzle some olive oil on top once or twice during baking to keep the chicken moist. Take the chicken out of the baking dish and serve. There will be oil and cheese curd left in the baking dish – I haven’t found a good use for the oil, but the curd works well as a sauce for veggies.

Before that, I think I bought lunch at La Camera on Chapel Street. I had a couple of coupons for free house wine (not bad). I had a tortellini dish, which was good as always. Tim’s avocado garnish was off though.

4. What four things do you need to do this weekend?

Since I’m writing this Sunday night, I’ll have to talk in the past tense. I needed to buy a hard drive (done). I needed to attend a guinea pig wedding (done). Checking my email when I got home, I need to update a website (still not done). I also have to get the hard drive set up, and copy files around.

5. Who are the last five people you talked to?

The last person I talked to was Mica, before that her daughter Lola. Before that, Lola’s friend Seacia. Before that, our friend Lila. Umm. Before that, um, oh, some loser from Telstra’s faulty department who claimed he fixed the issue with our office’s phone lines, which I really doubt he managed to do. Which reminds me, I have pick someone to yell at tomorrow. Damn and blast Telstra.

When was the last time you…

1. ...went to the doctor?

I went to the doctor last week – Monday I think – to deal with a minor ailment. No big deal. I’m going to a different doctor this coming Monday for an Australian Government Approved physical examination. Yet another hoop I need to jump through in order to stay here a while longer.

[Aside: I don’t talk much about this, because until a decision is made, I don’t think it’s right to get excited or nervous either way. I’ve applied with my employer for a 4-year woking visa. A decision is imminent. Believe me, gentle reader, you will know as soon as I do.]

2. ...went to the dentist?

It’s been more than a year. I had a fantastic dentist in Vancouver, a certain Dr Ow (I’m not kidding). He’s the only one who has ever had anything to do with my teeth, and I’m leery of letting anyone else near them. I’m going to have to soon, at least for a checkup.

3. ...filled your gas tank?

I don’t have a car. So the last time I filled up a tank would be of my “old” 2000 GTi the day before I sold it. Sigh. I miss that car.

4. ...got enough sleep?

When I was 12 years old. I plan to sleep a lot when I get older. I’ll be one of those old people that has naps a lot.

5. ...backed up your computer?

Oooh. Me bad. It’s been more than a month now. Thing is, Jet Girl (my iBook) has been busy downloading, um, things, overnight, so I can’t back her up.

Okay, I admit it. Jet’s been downloading season 1 of Duckman through BitTorrent.

1. Are you superstitious?

Not really, no. On the other hand, I don’t like to tempt fate, so I avoid walking under ladders and stuff like that.

2. What extremes have you heard of someone going to in the name of superstition?

My favourite example is the number 8. Chinese culture says that 8 is good luck. Vancouver has a very large number of Chinese immigrants, and real estate agents and property developers bend over backwards to have an 8 in their phone number or address. Four is the number of death, and that’s studiously avoided. For example, the newish buildings I lived in all had addresses with 8s in them: 1188 Howe, 1008 Cambie.

3. Believer or not, what’s your favorite superstition?

I like the salt one, just because it seems so random: spill salt, take a pinch of it and throw it over your right shoulder. The walking under a ladder thing I can understand – someone might drop something on you. But salt? Bizarre.

4. Do you believe in luck? If yes, do you have a lucky number/article of clothing/ritual?

I don’t think luck is something to be believed or not – some people have it, some people don’t. Generally, it works itself out to charisma or something a wee bit more measurable. I don’t really have a “lucky number” or anything. That being said, however, a bunch of weird things used to happen to me on the 16th of every month. Started to really freak me out.

5. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?

Jury’s still out. There’s one guy, Tim Stevens, who wrote in a local paper in Vancouver. He was eerily correct, except one week out. He would always describe the week that just happened to me, rather than the week that was about to happen. I do think that a “Sagittarius person” would have certain traits, but I’m less convinced that it has something to do with the stars in the heavens as it has to do with things that happen to babies in wombs and cultural stuff that happens outside. Chaos theory might one day explain the complex interrelations between all us humans.

No guts, no glory

1. What’s the most daring thing you’ve ever done?

Moving to Australia, carrying nothing with me but my iBook, two boxes of stuff, and tens of thousands of dollars of debt.

2. What one thing would you like to try that your mother/friend/significant other would never approve of?

I’m really not that daring. I do silly things – I’d run around the block naked – but that’s not really “risky”. I dunno. Does bungee jumping count? I might do that.

3. On a scale of 1-10, what’s your risk factor? (1=never take risks, 10=it’s a lifestyle)

I’d say I’m a 3 or 4, with occasional jumps up to 10.

4. What’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you as a result of being bold/risky?

Living in Melbn.

5. ... and what’s the worst?

Living in Melbn.

You have just won one million dollars:

I’m just wondering if the FridayFive people will be sending me the money automatically or whether I have to send them an email first.

1. Who do you call first?

I’m not sure really. I don’t think I’d call anyone, I might email a few close friends, but I think I’d like to keep it a secret as much as I can.

2. What is the first thing you buy for yourself?

One of these, fully loaded, from the shop on Chapel Street. Since it’s walking distance from home. Then, I might buy a bed.

3. What is the first thing you buy for someone else?

Do other people need things too? Well, okay. The first thing I’d buy would be some kind of gardening / spa relaxing package thing for Mica, cuz she needs something like that.

4. Do you give any away? If yes, to whom?

Yeah, I’d probably set aside $100,000 and give chunks of it to family and friends.

5. Do you invest any? If so, how?

My friend Lance is a pretty good investor, I’ll probably let him take care of a chunk of the cash. I’m not smart like that.

”... watching the world wake up from history …”

Ooh good questions this time around. I’ve noticed they’re saying “at the moment” – so these aren’t all-time favourites, just how I’m feeing right at this exact second.

At this moment, what is your favorite…

1. ...song?

Either Fight Test by the Flaming Lips, or 54-40’s Pay for Living.

2. ...food?

Jaffas. They’re little orangey-chocolate nuggets of goodness. Like those Terry’s Orange things, but in small bite-sized candy-coated balls.

3. ...tv show?

I don’t really watch TV, I don’t really have the time. I’ve caught a couple of episodes of Monk though, and think it’s pretty good.

4. ...scent?

Bergamot.

5. ...quote?

One that I meant to use as the ending of The real State of the Union of a couple of days ago. It’s from former Prime Minister Jean Chr�tien – a leader whom I thought of as being merely adequate, not necessarily a wonderful one – but this quote is excellent.

“The Western world is … looked upon as being arrogant, self-satisfied, greedy, and with no limits. And September 11 is an occasion for me to realise it even more.”

I never saw it reported in Canadian media, but it’s in SBS’s Australian Almanac as one of the best quotes of the year.

I spent the weekend camping, getting rained on, not sleeping, comforting a 12 year old on the chipping of her tooth, riding a steam train, being pissy at people with whom I was expected to socialise, drinking, and not looking at computers. Thus, the Friday Five is now a Sunday Evening Five.

Good batch of questions this week. All about quotes and sayings and stuff. I like and collect the wit, wisdom and pithy sayings of others, and that figures in nicely to most of these answers.

1. What does it say in the signature line of your emails?

My personal one has my email address and website URL, along with my mobile number. It also has a quote, randomly selected from over 450 hand-picked options. I’ve been collecting them for more than 15 years now (I’m having one of those “woah I’m old” moments). First they were in a box, then in a really big text file, now they’re in a FileMaker database that gets imported into Apple Mail every so often to keep the signature database current with the quotes database. So very geeky.

My work signature has my name, email address, company name, phone number, website URL and city.

2. Did you have a senior quote in your high school yearbook? What was it? If you haven’t graduated yet, what would you like your quote to be?

Yeah, I had a quote. I think it was a Neil Young one I was fond of at the time: “Before I ever learned how to talk, I forgot what to say”. That’s from Crime of the Century if memory serves.

3. If you had vanity plates on your car, what would they read? If you already have them, what do they say?

Hah! I think vanity plates are one of the heights of wankerism, so if I would ever have them, I’d be all clever and stuff, and they would read “WANKER”.

4. Have you received any gifts with messages engraved upon them? What did the inscription say?

I have a pewter alcohol flask with “Kermit” engraved upon it. My girlfriend-at-the-time Hilary has a matching one with “Scarlet” on it. Those were our nicknames in a certain group of friends. She picked hers because she likes deep red colours. I ended up with “Kermit” because I have a habit of looking like Kermit the Frog when I’m excited about something. Picture Kermit introducing the big star of the night, waving his arms around and saying “yyyeeeaaaayyyyyyyy!!!”. But for the green, that’s me.

5. What would you like your epitaph to be?

I want to be burned, not buried or dumped, so this doesn’t really apply. Once burned, I don’t really want to be kept anywhere either, there are a few places I’d like to be spread – one of them is “The Cut”, a ski slope overlooking Vancouver. That’s one of the most beautiful places in the world, especially at night. So, based on that, my epitaph would most likely end up being a sign warning skiers to keep their tips up on the chairlift.

In the absence of a serious answer for this question, I’ll leave you with a quote, a proverb from India, gentle reader:

“When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.”