Confessions of a Saddam double

What with his recent capture, people who have known me a while, who know my dark secret, have been asking me for my thoughts on the subject. How do I feel now that Saddam Hussein has been found?

First, I need to set something straight. He wasn’t found in Tikrit. He was actually located in a Tiki Bar in Florida, where he plays drums in Elvis’s band. If you make it there on a night that Osama is behind the bar, try to get him up on stage – he plays a wicked trumpet, but he’s really shy, so it’s best to get him a bit drunk first. They’ve lost a good drummer with Saddam’s capture. Looks like they might have to get Mother Teresa back on the skins. She was alright, but no match for Saddam.

Anyway, back to my confession. Nearly 15 years ago, Saddam Hussein recognised the power of technology, and wanted to establish a personal presence online. As you may know, he had in his employ several “doubles” – people whose job it was to look like him, and essentially be decoys of the real Saddam. He used this technique online as well, and chose me. He placed a cleverly-worded ad on FidoNet to which I replied. He charged me with the task of “being” Saddam online.

After we had exchanged lots of email (sadly lost in a hard drive crash during a scud missile attack), we agreed that it’s best to start small. With the help of my good friend Cang, Saddam and I set up a small BBS in Vancouver called the G-Zone, and it was though that electronic bulletin board that Saddam (or rather, myself) communicated with his people. Come to think of it, Cang’s kind of fallen off the face of the Earth lately too. I hope he didn’t talk before it was safe. It was Saddam’s intention to appear kind, and even fatherly towards his people. Based on this, the first thing we tried was an advice column “Ask Saddammy”. It became very popular, and I found myself (as Saddam) answering dozens of questions per day. Hard work! I had to consult him a few times about some of the more difficult or esoteric questions, but generally I fared alright.

Then, one day, he stopped responding to my email. I assumed his local FidoNet node was down (these things happen) but after a few weeks, I was a bit concerned. I gave him a call, and his personal assistant answered. She told me that he did not want to pursue this online experiment any longer, and I was to cease it at once. Not only that, but if I said anything about it, they would chop off my fingers. Not exactly a severance package I could be happy about.

So there you have it. Now that Saddam has been captured, I can safely tell my story. I was a Saddam double. Online. With an advice column. There – it feels better to have said it. Thank you, gentle reader, for your attention.