Abbot & Costello on shopping for a computer
Abbot & Costello on shopping for a computer <![CDATA Stolen from an unknown source… ABBOTT Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO Thanks. I’m setting up a home office in the den, and I’m thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOTT Mac?
COSTELLO No, the name is Lou.
ABBOTT Your computer?
COSTELLO I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT Mac?
COSTELLO I told you, my name is Lou.
ABBOTT What about Windows?
COSTELLO Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO I don’t know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOTT Wallpaper.
COSTELLO Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOTT Office.
COSTELLO Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT I just did.
COSTELLO You just did what?
ABBOTT Recommended something.
COSTELLO You recommended something?
ABBOTT Yes.
COSTELLO For my office?
ABBOTT Yes.
COSTELLO Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT Office.
COSTELLO Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT Office for Windows.
COSTELLO I already have an office and it already has windows! Let’s say I’m sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT Word.
COSTELLO If I’m writing a proposal, I’m going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
ABBOTT Word.
COSTELLO What word?
ABBOTT The Word in Office.
COSTELLO The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO Which word in “office for windows?”
ABBOTT The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO I’m going to click your big W if you don’t give me a straight answer. Let’s forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOTT RealOne.
COSTELLO Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOTT RealOne.
COSTELLO If it’s a long movie I’ll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT Of course.
COSTELLO Great! With what?
ABBOTT RealOne.
COSTELLO Okay, so I’m sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT The blue 1.
COSTELLO Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO What word?
ABBOTT The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO But there’s three words in “office for windows!”
ABBOTT No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO It is?
ABBOTT Yes, although to be fair there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn’t even part of Office.
COSTELLO Never mind; I don’t want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOTT Money.
COSTELLO That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT Money.
COSTELLO I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT Money.
COSTELLO Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOTT Just one copy.
COSTELLO I get a copy of money. Isn’t that illegal?
ABBOTT No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO Well, it’s great that I’m going to get free money, but I’ll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOTT Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT Money.
COSTELLO You sell money?
ABBOTT Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO That’s all very wonderful, but I’ll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOTT Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOTT If you don’t want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOTT Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO I beg your pardon?
ABBOTT No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know—accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOTT Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO More money?
ABBOTT More than Money. Money can’t do everything.
COSTELLO I don’t need a sermon! Okay, let’s forget about money for the moment. I’m worried that my computer might…what’s the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOTT GoBack.
COSTELLO Okay. I’m worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOTT GoBack.
COSTELLO How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOTT I’ve never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO How can I go back if I haven’t even been anywhere? Okay, I’ll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOTT Word.
COSTELLO But I’ll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOTT No, you only need one Word—the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO But there’s three words in. Oh, never mind.
ABBOTT Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?]]>