Friday five: If you ever…
\<!\[CDATA **1\. …owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?** I’ve actually thought about this before, and I think I’d serve a combination of multi-ethnic “comfort food” (everything from bangers and mash to phó to congee to butter chicken…) to odd, interesting and unusual food combinations (like my honey salmon, lemonade chicken)…
Another (somewhat sillier) idea I had was the random restaurant. People would come in, they’d be directed to a random table. They’d all be handed random menus, stolen from other restaurants. They’d make their orders, and the orders would be handed to the chef, who might or might not make them. Once the food is ready, it would be delivered to a random table. At the end of the evening, everyone would receive a random bill. 2. …owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?
When department stores began, product brand names weren’t very strong, and the public needed someone to trust. Thus, names like Grace Brothers and Myer (in Australia), Timothy Eaton and Woodward’s (in Canada), Sears-Roebuck (in the USA) became popular. They stood behind the products they sold, often offering guarantees that the public would believe in. “Go to Eaton’s,” they would say, “he sells good stuff.”
That kind of faith in a store rather than a product isn’t around much anymore. I’d want to try to change that. I’d only stock the good stuff. If it’s crap, it wouldn’t be in my store. I’d do research and stock a half dozen really good DVD players, from whatever manufacturer, buy apples from an organic farmer in Tasmania (or my friend Bill in the Okanagan). That kind of thing.
3. …wrote a book, what genre would it be? I’ve co-written a book. It was non-fiction, about QuickTime. I started writing a sequel, all by myself, but I’ve been far too busy to devote enough time to finishing it, so my publisher was kind enough to release me from the contract a few months ago. If I every try again, it will be some kind of funny crime fiction or sci-fi (think Douglas Adams – RIP or Carl Hiaasen crossed with Douglas Coupland or Kurt Vonnegut but probably something completely different).
4. …ran a school, what would you teach?
I don’t think I’d trust myself to actually teach anything, except for a healthy disregard for convention. I’d be a terrible nuisance, running from classroom to classroom (or around the fields outside, for if it’s a nice day, I’d insist everyone go outside and take class there in the sunshine) talking back to the teachers, getting the students to question everything, reminding them never to forget to ask “why”. Upon graduation, I’d tell everyone to piss off to the other side of the world for a while, and get a real education before going to any kind of post-secondary education. I’d assign Dr Seuss books to the 12th year kids, and make sure everyone knew how to cook a salmon. I’d get them into the habit of reading the news (on paper, or on screen, I don’t care) and paying attention to the sources. I’d randomly send everyone home because it’s too nice a day to have to do anything in particular, and generally have a kick-ass time doing it all. Parents would hate me.
5. …recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?
It would be highly unusual. I can play the table (that’s table not tabla ) and that’s about it. I can sing. Sorta. I know it won’t be like anything anyone’s ever heard before. Picture Einstürzende Neubauten covering 80s classics in the style of Irish drinking songs, and you’re probably thinking in the right direction.]]>