Drinking problem solver

\<!\[CDATA *An oldie and a goodie…* **Symptom:**  Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.   

Fault: Glass empty.

Action required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.

Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.

Action required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. Symptom: Feet cold and wet.

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Action required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.

Fault: Improper bladder control.

Action required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. Symptom: Floor blurred.

Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

Action required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor swaying.

Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.

Action required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. Symptom: Floor moving.

Fault: You are being carried out.

Action required: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and florescent light strip across it.

Fault: You have fallen over backward.

Action required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to bar. Symptom: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.

Fault: You have fallen forward.

Action required: See above.

Symptom: Everything has gone dark.The Bar is closing.Panic.Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

Action required: Cover mouth. Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.

Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.

Action required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in]]>